Friday, December 07, 2012
Living with C.F.
Since April I have found myself in hospital, once in June for a week and then continued treatment at home, and then now. I have come into hospital to get desensitised to an IV antibiotic. I will be home tomorrow. Fortunately I am off work until January so that isn't a problem.
Although work is OK with me being off in December as I have a large amount of holiday left over. I have had a huge amount of days off in the past year. in the last 12 months I have had 4 absences with a total of 40 days off, This is due to the time normally being two weeks. This is the highest amount of sickness absence in the company that I am aware off. HR are not happy and have flagged to my manager that the sickness level is unacceptable. Fortunately I have made the company aware from day 0 about C.F., and that my company is calling out for staff in my area which should mean that my job is pretty secure.
Because of these absence levels and the fact that I have been struggling with energy levels all the time over the last 18 months I have now officially reduced my hours at work to 4 days per week. I am hoping that this is enough to keep me working and keep my health up. I have been working towards this for a few months I have had the company doctor involved and fortunately had full support of my manager.
The other big problem I have had with health is UNI. last December I was extremely ill and this put me a long way behind in two modules in my course. Unfortunately I was never able to catch up and consequently failed one module and for the project I had a deferral due to health. So I am retaking them this year and plan to do an lot of work whilst off in December. All need to be finished by March GULP.
That brings to now. A couple of weeks ago I was down in Croydon visiting girlfriends friend and experiencing a pagan festival when all of a sudden I came down with flu type symptoms within an hour. So had a crappy evening and then a couple of days feeling crappy, thought it had gone but hadn't it then went on my chest. So I had a coughing couple of weeks before coming to Clinic on Monday, I expected IV's but didn't want to come in to hospital. Dr. told me that I needed to come in and get desensitised to an antibiotic and then a couple of days observations. So my father ?! had a phone call on Wednesday at 1pm, saying message for Flibbles bed is ready on C.F. ward, then about 4pm the hospital called me to say did I get their message and could I come in for 7pm.
Normally when coming into hospital they say get here for 1pm and you wait till 3pm, so I was hoping that being called in a 7pm would mean that bed is ready. So we arrive at 7:10, no staff or bed. Finally see staff they say the bed is ready shortly can I wait in the day room. The day room has a couple of very uncomfortable chairs and a settee. after 2 hours my girlfriend had to go so we walked down and got her a taxi. Back up to day room, feeling sick, in pain and just wanting to lie down. Eventually I get the room after 10pm. 3 hours. No food, still hadn't seen anybody.
Get into the room, it is badly laid out as the bedside cabinet is at the far end of the bed. The desk with fridge is by the bed with table unbetween
Next morning I still hadn't seen a doctor, (apart from on-call coming in for 2 mins about 5am) find out the ward are having a meeting so still no doctors, eventually senior consultant comes and sees me and we get desensitation started. This goes well and they all agree for me to go home the next day.
So now sat here waiting for afternoon levels check and then can go home TTO's done. just a waiting game (again) now.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
I originally started this blog as a type of therapy for the crap that was going on in life. It felt like I had screwed up a relationship with a very close and dear friend, And I was trying to make sense of everything and find a life for me again.
Now when N had decided to take C (will now on be referred to as Fuckwit) over me she moved straight in to his, not officially as she had a flat but in reality she stayed there where She was controlled by a jealous twit. This guy couldn't get over that she wanted to spend time with somebody else and only wanted to be with her when he thought she wouldn't devoted to him, and he was obsessed that the time that N & I spent together, and convinced himself it was an affair despite her not knowing that he was in a relationship with her. So because of that Fuckwit spent far to much time obsessing about me. He followed all my forum posts (I have joined many forums in the past), he followed me twitter and then he found out about my Blog and started reading my posts all the time (My blog views went through the roof), Fortunately my blog was telling me that most of my views where using an Android Phone from the Staffordshire region. Fuckwit was effectively cyber stalking me, unfortunately I found this rather comical that Fuckwits life was that sad he spent it obsessing about little me. Because of this and many other issues he drove N away.
After this she moved away from his and I was honoured that she valued me enough to be able to help her out. She got out of his house and stayed at quite a few places. This has meant that I have spent a lot more time with her. I forgot how much I enjoy spending time with her. Time is very easily spent with her. I feel we have similar views and ideals. This is nice.
Last week I helped N remove her property from Fuckwit's house, this has been put into storage until she can work out how life can move on. Fortunately Fuckwit wasn't there, but his father was there. He had made implicit instruction that I couldn't go into the house for some strange reason. However as it was his property I respected that and stayed outside at all times. His father was a nice guy, a shame that it will be unlikely I will speak to him again. It made me chuckle that He commented that it was nice to meet me instead of the stories. This implies that Fuckwit has made me out to be an ogre, however when you meet me you know me. I don't hide behind any picture's or stories.
One big complication of her life with Fuckwit is that she fell pregnant with Fuckwit. This has strange emotional feelings with me. During my time with my ExWife she was desperate for children. One problem with being a male living with Cystic Fibrosis is that Men are infertile. The Sperm are there, just the pipe isn't there. So we had enquired into IVF a few times. This never came to fruition due to her excess weight. However here was N, pregnant to a Fuckwit. Unfortunately last week, N lost her baby at ~20 weeks. She was a wreck and in extreme pain. She told Fuckwit via text that she had lost the baby, his reply 'Thanks for letting me know'. No, hope your OK., no asking if he can help, just a big fat nothing. Shows that he never really cared for her and only wanted a possession.
Also last week was my birthday, I had a wonderful meal out with friends the night before. When I was with my ExWife I could have only relied upon one or two friends. However for this birthday meal, I had 14 people out with me which was wonderful. I have CF friends, Car friends and Work friends. So it was quite difficult to balance the time across 3 distinct groups of friends. However a nice night was had by all.
UNI wise I am still struggling. I have spoken to my lecturers and hopefully I can get an extension for my project into the summer time will tell.
So to sum up, I have enjoyed spending more time with N again, realising that we are good friends and helping her to move onto the next stage in her life. She is the most important person in my life.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Over the past few months i have been finding life very difficult.
Currently I am doing the following.
Working 3.5 days per week
UNI 1 day per week.
Thats 37 hours over 4.5 days
I go bowling once or twice a week.
then I have house work, car clean, washing etc.
Now for a healthy person this is pretty easy life. I should have bundles of energy and going to the gym and going out socialising. Unfortunatly this really tires me out.
A close friend of mine has told me of the spoon theory. My understanding of this is that a person has x amount of spoons available in a set time period. each activity takes a spoon. As you only have so many spoons available they can run out quite easily.
I feel that at the moment I deplete my spoons just doing some of the above. I should also be doing UNI work, and having a social life.
This past weekend I went shopping with a friend who came up from London. After this I was completely knackered and fell asleep on sofa. The following day I had a trip to the new Silverstone wing arranged. I got up early and went to Silverstone, followed by a visit to CostCo. After this a was so tired. When I got home I ended up wiped out for the rest of the day.
Something has to change.
I can not complete my final year of Uni. I cannot do the extra work involved to get assignments and dissertation done.
I have spoken to the UNI and hopefully they will allow me to defer the dissertation till next year. *fingers crossed*
Once I have finished UNI I will then approach my employer and see if I can reduce my hours. I don't think its a good idea to do that yet as they won't pay me my salary whilst me only beling there 3.5 days a week.
In the meantime I just need to get the two remaining modules done.
Added to this. My chest is not looking good.
Hospital within a month.
Monday, March 05, 2012
My UNI work is falling behind at the moment as I struggle with energy levels. After I am home from work this is pretty much flaking me out. And because I am falling behind, I struggle to face up to what I need to do. I have huge amounts of work to do in the next 6 weeks, I seriously doubt I can do it. This is causing me to stress and run away from it, which is making things worse. I am struggling in the subjects. Not sure if or how I can get out of this, it is seriously stressing me out.
My closest Friend 'N' is preggers. Congratulations to them. N chose her boyfriend over me. I am glad to keep her as a friend. But as I cannot conceive it was obviously the right choice, I was never going to be enough for her or anybody. Who wants somebody who is firing blanks.
However in the off chance that somebody doesn't mind a half man I have stepped up trying to meet somebody on an internet dating site. Currently I have one mad stalker who sends chav speak messages to me everyday. She keeps expecting dirty comments or talk from me, but thats not me. Besides I have reservations that she is connected to or knows my ex-family. She is from the same area they live.
I have started chatting to a teacher who is after friendship. Hopefully this can continue.
I am feeling extremely low at the moment in my head and this isn't helping my health. I can feel my chest getting tighter everyday. Hopefully this can change as I don't really want to be back in hospital again. Unfortunatly hospital is always going to be when rather than if. This is one advantage of living a solitary life outside of work. When I was with my ex she always was coming down with one infection or another due to interaction with so many more people. Hence I was picking things up more regularly. However living life solo I am getting less bugs which is good but not good mentally. Catch 22 situation.
Short post as must get UNI work done.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Firstly will reflect my UFC Forecast Post. Didn't do to well there, got three out of 7 bouts right. Next event was worse, I predicted 2 out of 8. I know nothing about this sport :)
Thursday, February 16, 2012
I have been reading on a forum this morning about the unemployed. This is a subject I have great passion about so thought best blog it. This is today's piss boiler.
There are two types of unemployed. One type is those who have health problems who are unable to work. These type of people generally dislike being unemployed and would do anything to try and get back to work. These people I fully support and sympathise with. After all I will end up as one of these.
The other type are the workshy lazy fuckwits whose job and career is to not work and take the piss out the state. They will do everything in their power not to work as they are better off on benefits so why should they work.
A few years ago I was made redundant from a local technology company. I was doing the job I loved in the company and industry I loved. Then the decision came from the states to close down our office. So was redundant. I could have sat on my arse to claim benefits. I didn't. I went and spoke to every recruitment company in the industry. I applied for some jobs 4 times. I lost count how many jobs I applied for. I got 3 interviews. One I didn't have enough experience. One I was in the final two. The other offered me the job. This was 170 miles away from home. I was going to accept this job but was negotiating to get the relocation allowance to be paid in digs as I knew I couldn't move there cause of my wife. Fortunately just before I accepted the role the job where I was in the final two offered me the role. This was only 62 mile from home. I gladly snapped their hand off.
Mean while my father in law quit his job just before I was made redundant. Told me I was lucky to get offered a job he wouldn't get off his arse to find a job. He wouldn't spend hours on the phone trying to speak to all the agency's. A job was organised for him by my mother in law but he wouldn't go to it as a it was kids wages and b it was 10 mile away so to far. I couldnt believe that he was telling me I was lucky.
Two years later I was redundant again. He was still out of work. I struggled to get any interviews. I was about to start looking for driving jobs or even stacking shelves just to make sure I working. He still wasn't working. This was the time I said to my wife I wasn't sure I wanted to be with her. So a very stressful time. Yet still managed to get a job.
During all of this I have been fighting cystic fibrosis. And had a cafe that failed. And was studying part time.
And people call me lucky .
With all the financial problems I have now from my marriage I would be better off if I didn't work. Why do I still work?
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
So for UFC on FUEL TV 1
- Jake Ellenberger vs. Diego Sanchez - Ellenberger
- Dave Herman vs. Stefan Struve - Struve
- Ronny Markes vs. Aaron Simpson - Simpson
- Philip De Fries vs. Stipe Miocic - De Fries
- T.J. Dillashaw vs. Walel Watson - Dillashaw
- John Albert vs. Ivan Menjivar - Albert
- Jonathan Brookins vs. Vagner Rocha - Rocha
Thursday, February 09, 2012
So todays been mindful of computers.
I wiped my laptop last night with the intention of reinstalling everything and then upgrading to Windows 7 Professional.
So used the Dell recovery to wipe the current OS and re-install Windows 7 Home prof.
Then installed Office (making sure it was 64-bit version, previously only installed 32-bit version)
There is a website called ninite.com. This is a fantastic resource. When installing programs for the first time this app downloads the regular programs that you could use, and installs them with zero junk and requires no intervention.
Fantastic little tool.
back on topic, Got home from work today and started to install WIndows 7 prof. but it can't be done from the current OS so I have to start all over again.
Saturday, February 04, 2012
It has been about 3 weeks since my last blog post so what's been happening?
Again I have been getting Blu-Rays and keeping my LoveFilm account active.
I had been getting extremely tired doing anything so whilst I knew my chest was better, I wasn't to sure about my general wellbeing. So before going back to work I went to Autosport show with a mate. It was a fantastic show and we saw lots. Spoke to quite a few people. Hopefully he will be racing in Ginetta's again this year, funds after his house build depending. It will be a good time if we can. If we can race again we should be competing for podiums. I also booked tickets for LeMans (For my first time) and for Britcar again. I was very tired after the show so zonked out.
also that weekend I finally paid my mom back the of the cash I owe her for the deposit on my car. It was a relief to have that paid off. She wasn't pressuring for it however did mention it a few times.
I had hassles from ex-wife as well. Last time I heard from her I was very tired and I said no to taking her to the hospital and I refused to drop her money down to get a taxi. She tried to bring up all the past of why we split up, and then accused me of seeing my friends niece, again. I spoke to her aunt after cause she was threatening. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago she was on the phone. Her car wouldn't start. She said it had fuel and it was just turning over. She kept implying that it was out of fuel. I said I wasn't a mechanic and what can I do. Again she started threatening. She knows I have a flaw in my character that if I can help somebody I will and feel guilty if I can't. She preys on this, knowing I will feel compelled to help somebody if I can. So as she suggests that she is out of fuel I fill up a fuel can and go across with 1ltre of oil. I did look for jump leads but I have non.
I was very hesitant in helping her as I didn't really want her to see my new car, however that part is now gone. So I get there she has no fuel and has flattened the battery trying to start it. Her oil is low so I bung a litre of oil in (probably the wrong oil), tell her to get a oil change ASAP. Drop the oil in and then have to take her over to get some jump leads from her aunt. Jump the car and away.
Had the usual gush's about how fantastic her new fella is. Me.... I just stay quiet.
Went home to bed!
Anyway, I returned back to work after having almost a month off sick. I spoke to the health nurse at work upon my return and told her about being so tired, so fortunatly got a phased return back to work. 4 hours a day for week 1, 6 hours a day for week 2. That is now. So back to full time at work from Monday:(. The way I feel currently I cannot see me staying at full time work this year. I have raised it with the health nurse but off the record currently.
Finally UNI. I had a uni assignment due this week on Tuesday. I had been trying to get it done all month but couldn't face it. Didn't know where to start so kept putting it off. In the end had to spend all time the day before it was due, and got stuck. Going in to UNI on the due date and speaking to a collegue meant I had been looking at thinsg wrong. SO now handed in but 3 days late. So capped at 40% for that assignment.
Oh yeah, changed my Blog layout now to include Twitter feed. Very tired tied so off to bed now.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
I was kinda worried that I would do this, A bit like a dairy where you fill in all the peoples birthdays and start writing for the first couple of days and then leave it.
It has been a quiet week as still off work. I went to the hospital and my Blows (lung capacity) is the best it has been for years. I had to admit defeat to the CF doctor & CF Nurse that it was right for me to stay in hospital the full two weeks. It was difficult to admit that to them.
I had my granddads funeral yesterday. It was lovely. The person leading the service was somebody I knew when I was child. When I was growing up I used to stay with my Granddad and Grandma during the summer. One of their neighbours had two kids a boy Damien who was two years older, and a girl Charlotte who was two years younger. We used to do all sorts of things during the summer when I was there. Their mother lead the Funeral which was lovely as they had travelled from Exeter to Stafford specifically for this. Charlotte had come up as well as a younger brother who i mistook for Damien. It was lovely to see her and her Mom again. My last memory of her was running across a pebble beach, I was complaining it hurt my feet, she legged it across like no tomorrow. :) She is now a stunning looking woman.
The readings really described my Granddad to a tee. Even at 87 he still was a child. He had a playful mentality. I think I have inherited this from him. He was always a salesman and put everybody he came into contact with at ease and always had fun. The service was lovely. The hymns were all sang which was pleasant and so unusual to man church services I have been to for Weddings / christenings and funerals. I'm also thankful he passed away with no pain.
I have been busy buying lots of Blu-Rays for new TV over the past week. Including a couple of films I had on DVD.
Unfortunately a fairly quiet blog post as not much happens whilst sat at home.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
So just before I left I received a text from ExWife telling me to call her. So give her a call. 'Can you take me to hospital?' No is my reply as I was going out. 'Ok Bye' was the reply.
I don't want to take her to the hospital as a, she will then 100% of seen my car (she probably already has, but still don't really want her to see it), b, we finally split almost 18 months. It has been almost 2 years since everything went pear shaped. c, I would get zero thanks or appreciation for taking her.
1 min later she calls me back (big surprise as she doesn't call me, always expects me to call her back), 'If you can't take me to the hospital then drop £20 over to get a taxi. Now I know she chooses not to work, and that she still smokes. If she is that short of £20 then she shouldn't smoke as this costs £6+ per day. (it is £6+ as I had to always buy Fags for her as she would always end up spending £10-20 in the shop when getting Fags).I certainly cannot afford that. She said I could get the money back on thrusday, but that would involve seeing her twice in one week, plus the last time she borrowed money off me, I lent her £100, which she promised faithfully to get back the following week. Two weeks later she hadn't repaid me and then wanted to borrow another £150. Every month or so I asked for the money with no reply. That was until she wanted to get the divorce petition in. my reply was that I needed her money back. This went backwards and forwards, with her threatening me, until I broke down at the doctors, and then she asked if I wouldn't put the divorce in until I got the money back. From that moment she then lied and said that I had given her the money. and keeps that lie today.
I pointed out that I hadn't received the previous money back, which she said I gave her the previous cash. This then ended up as a slanging match with her saying that i ruined her life, and me saying that I was stuck with all the debts from our marriage. she then started bringing up all the issues of when she thought that I was seeing somebody else at the end of the marriage. The person she refers to I have never called / met / spoke to. Only had text communication via facebook chat or text message. ( I have recently got back in touch with the woman through facebook). She started trying to detail everything that I did back in May 2009! Even though she has met somebody else and is planning to get married this year she says she is still going over everything everyday!! Then she came out with that I needed to pay for everything I have done to her, and I have got off with everything. She kinda misses the £60k debts above the value of the assets that she isn't paying. Without the house been sold this will take me 20 years to pay off at current pay rates. This doesn't help with me needing to cut hours at work.
I pointed out to her on the call that She only cares for herself, which she agreed, and the only reason she ever contacted me was when she wanted anything. And that in her mind the only person who is ill is herself, despite her rarely being in hospital, she never keeps to any treatment, and for me If I don't keep to treatment I end up in hospital, I am registered disabled, yet in her mind nothing is wrong.
After this I was pretty wound up, text N, called my mom, and then called her Aunt to hopefully get her to talk some sense into her. Explained that I couldn't physically or financially help her out. Well actually I could but don't see why I should. I wanted to say - We have separated. We are almost divorced. (I have paid her for the final decree absolute, but pretty sure she hasn't put it in) She can't keep relying on me.
So after bowling I was pretty concerned and expected to be woken up by the windows coming through last night. Had a nice chat with N which help to settle my mind.
Bowling was dreadful, my body is very stiff and bowling was pants. The league starts Thursday. Due to steroids I am on, my fingers have swelled up and no longer fit my balls :(
Today, I have done nothing, I should have done some UNI work. Nothing done.
Signing off now as I'm going to play on console for a while. Back to hospital tomorrow morning....
Just posting this from work. Had a nice night out last night with a couple of friends. We went bowling at star city. One problem I found is that as I have been bowling regularly on dressed bowling lanes is that you get used to oiled lanes. This means you can put spin on the ball and it should hit the pins. Last night the lanes were dry and couldn't get a decent line at all. Ho hum.
Back at work....
Cause I have been so tired recently doing small things cause me to be wiped out. I struggled to sleep last night so today my chest is very tight and I'm falling asleep. This is at 1pm. I have another 5 hours to go. :(
Monday, January 09, 2012
A nice quiet Monday sat at home. After a quiet Sunday, thought I best get dressed today. Went to Docs and now I'm signed off work for two weeks. :Yipee:
Heard from EW this morning as she text me to call her. This woke me up :( Called her, she wants me to take her to the womens hospital. I feel inclined to take her, however I know I shouldn't as I should not allow her to try to control me. I didn't reply for some hours and again she asked me to take her to the hospital. Don't know why she doesn't get a taxi or get her family to take her.
Hopefully I will be going bowling this evening. I think it will do me good to get out of the house, although this will tire me out.
Currently I have spent the day watching the new Hustle DVD and then the Strikeforce MMA show from over the weekend. Its a poor comparison of UFC. It has been quite nice spending the day not thinking today. I know I really need to get started on UNI work.
The other thing I have done is put another ROM onto my Desire phone. It is without all the HTC sense and seems pretty good so far.
Sunday, January 08, 2012
Slept for ever last night. After this period of hospital my body is completly drained. I cannot build up the energy to get dressed let alone do anything. It will be a long hard road to get well for work again. I'm having to reflect a lot on my current health status. I need to change things in my life once I can go back to work.
Have had another day thinking about N. She has been online today. I am supposed to be important to her, yet nothing. She couldn't care less how I am. She knows I am upset, I doubt she knows that I am feeling as low as I am. Yet nothing. All her facebook status ' are how fantastic her new boyf is. Not a 2nd thought of me. I text her Friday night asking if she was ok. 'Not really as her boyf spent the day with her' Thats not right is it? She should be overjoyed that her Boyf Has taken the day off. She has practically moved into his now, so I am concerned that if things don't work out with him She will again be trapped somewhere she doesn't want to be.
I shouldn't be concerned about this as she has shown me that she couldn't give a shit about me. If she needs help or needs somebody to be there then Fuck her. I just wish that I hadn't given so much energy towards her.
I guess things don't help at the moment feeling so low. I feel at the moment that there is no point to life.
ExW phoned the other day, told her about my Grandfather. She did seem concerned. Then told me I needed to stop feeling so down about this girl. She thinks everything in life is about Sex. I do feel low but that is because life sucks and I have got myself into a corner. I don't know how I can recover out of this.
Saturday, January 07, 2012
I was very low last night. Guess not being well, the lonelyness and the bad news yesterday don't help things.
I feel guilty about my Grandfather passing away. I haven't been in touch at all over the last couple of years. I had meant to phone them this period, but with hospital admission I didn't make time.
Death is a strange subject. I guess with losing friends through CF I have come to expect it. But never sure how I should react to it.
I sent a text to N last night, asking if she was ok. She said not as her DO had taken the day off work. Seems strange, 1 month into a relationship and they are not having a nice day off together. I hope they are ok, and sort themselves out for the best. I was hoping to speak to her last night as I needed a close friend. but nothing. I have had two texts today from her so she didn't bother reading any message from me till 16 hours after I sent it.
I guess it shows that whilst I hold her in the highest regard and would do anything for her, the feelings are not reflected in the slightest. Shows that I'm a muppet for thinking that I am important to her.
I'm still very tired from hospital so having a lazy day today. I'm sat in front of Star Trek box set in dressing gown. All my washing is almost done. Looking forward to a nice meal out tonight with some good friends.
Friday, January 06, 2012
Been feeling crappy all day, after writing previous post I had a lie down, watched a film and then managed to screw phone up by playing with teh Clock voltages. So now have wiped that, and reinstalling everything.
My father recently called. My Grandfather passed away today. :( Feel very guilty as I planned to speak to them over the Christmas holiday but never got round to it.
My usual solace would be to speak to N. But she doesn't want to know me today. :(
not sure what else to put. My grandfather lived near to where she is now. This may get awkward.
I had been chatting to N again the night before. She said that I can no longer speak to her at night time, as this is upsetting C. He is a cock. She is practically living with him. He is giving her hassle for me being in her life. Ah well.
As I previously said I have been in hospital for 2 weeks. The doc's said I could go home depending on my blows (Lung function test). I did them, and they were drastically improved but still someway off my usual. Didn't see the docs after that until Thursday late morning. The docs came round and said either stay in for another week or go home. As I felt 1000 times better than the previous week I think it is time to go home. So good stuff I can go home, on steriods and oral antibitotics. So I asked the ward staff for Sick note and TTA's. Usual ward clark did her usual shitty job of not wanting to do anything, I had to ask her 4 times for sick note. She was more interested in gassing with her mates as usual.
My old psycologist came to visit whilst I was waiting for stuff's. Had a nice chat with her, explained about relationship with N, and latest developments with EW.
Eventually left the hospital, it was extremely nice to leave hospital and not be on IV's. Did shopping and then back home.
Back home cats had done a Pooh on the carpet, plus obviously have taken to weeing by the front door. Grrrr. Was going to go and get a takeway, when I went to collect parcels. But was to tired, and not particularly hungry. Sat down watched some stuff on new TV, played on XBOX and then went to bed about 9:30. I put my new Star Trek Voyager DVD on TV, started to drift off but then woke up. Couldn't sleep after that. I remember hearing one of the cats scratching a door about 4am, went down she had wee'd on the carpet, so gave her a slap and booted her out.
Must have been about 5am before I slept :( woke up about 9:30, phone didn't work and a massive headache.
Grabbed new parcels, set up small hub next to TV. Now bored. Still got a headache and I'm tired, but fancy doing something. The house is a bomb site. Need to clean up, remove boxes and clean up cat wee.
Haven't heard from N last night or today. I do worry about her. I shouldn't as she has made it clear she doesn't want to be with me, however she never leaves my thoughts. At the moment, it feels like I am always contacting her and the contact is not reciprocated. So I will try hard not to speak to her. This will be hard, as if I haven't heard from her before 5pm I will not hear from her till next week (probably if I contact her).
I really need to make sure I meet somebody new in 2012. Need to get my thoughts towards somebody who will appreciate them.
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
My ex-wife started texting me today. This is how the conversation went
Ew - Hi I am on ward one :(
Flibble - Oh dear. hope your ok. And don't need to stay long.
Ew - No i am not ok, you know what I am like lol
Flibble - Hope you feel better soon
Ew - Hopefully got a bad rash from mophine x
Now from this you can see I was not particularly talkative. i find that conversations with EW have a tendancy to either drop me into doodah, or she wants something, So I don't tend to trust.
Then this eveing
Ew - How you feeling?
Flibble - Ok thank you. You feeling better?
Ew - No maybe going for operation tomorrow come and visit me x
Flibble - Would have thought your family would be there. you don't want to see me.
Ew - Don't have family anymore
At this point I am getting concerned. I don't wish her ill will but want as little communication as possible.
So 15 mins later
EW - Are you coming
Flibble - Where are you
EW - ward one.
So I meander on down to ward one. I am concerned she may want money so leave wallet in my room.
When I get there she is lying in a side room looking very sorry for herself. She is talking very quietly and obviously in some pain.
I make small talk, ask how things are. She says her family don't want to know and she is always argueing with them. But her mom has been there twice today.... She asks me if I can fix her phone. (Screen smashed apparently) More small talk, all about her and how bad it is for her. She knows I have been in hospital since before Christmas, she asks one question and then starts talking about her new fella and them going for IVF. I am careful not to say anything against him, her or family. She then says that she hasn't got a change of clothes as her aunt was going to get her keys and get stuff for her. But hasn't turned up. Then she drops the big one....
Can you get some stuff for me from home?
Now I know this is a fairly simple question. But is it a good idea to go to somebody elses flat with their keys to go through her stuff and get bits for her? If anything goes wrong in her life, I get the blame.
Background - a week before christmas I am extremely ill. She gets a letter to house, So I call her to tell her. She collects it, 20 mins later 1 rings me, it is a V5 document for her car from DVLA. I have no idea what this about, its nothing to do with me. yet I get a bollocking.
So I don't want a bollocking for doing something I haven't done, so I tell her its not a good idea for me to go to flat. She said 'its only this one little thing I'm asking' Its not she keeps asking one little thing. I need to say No to her. Plus although I am ready to go home, I am not well enough to be doing errands for folk. She tells me to Fuck off, So I wish her well in op tomorrow, get another Fuck off and i depart.
5 mins later I get a text - 'I wanted you to do one thing for me when I really needed you' I ignore
5 mins further on I get a call. 'I wanted you to do one thing for me when I really needed you' I explain that I am in hospital also, and not really well enough to do errands for people. So she is in a mood with me.
If I had of done this for her, she would keep asking me whilst I'm in hospital, plus if anything was misplaced or moved for the next 6 months I would get the hassle from it. Plus my blood sugars have been sky high today so have been shaking all evening.
For new year's eve I went to a friends house to watch UFC141. Was quite a dull fight card apart from the two KO's. It was a bit fustraiting as they had said to me that he wanted me gone by 10 incase i wasn't well. Fortunatly another friend invited me over to his. So I got to M's place and waited to watch UFC. They were waiting for their son to come from Grandparents. When he got their the granparents sat down for a drink and to have a chat, it was nice but somewhat unexpected and annoying. Eventually they went we had food and then watched the UFC event. I then had to race over to the other friends house. Got to their house and went upstairs so both of us could do our IV's. We both have Cystic Fibrosis. We older CF's need to stick together. His sister was there who also has CF. She is lovely girl, and was a pleasure to see her and meet her other half. The rest of my mates wifes family was there. was nice to spend New year in such a lovely environment. Thanks guys.
New year came, for some reason I get a text from ex.wife from her and jail-bird wishing happy new year. Then I had a phonecall just after midnight. It sucks as I had very few messages wishing happy new year. I had nobody to call other than my parents. I had a text from them but didn't speak to parents.
Anyway I had far to much to drink that night, and generally talked utter bollox to anybody who would listen. I drank a few cans of lager, and then found a bottle of port & some blue WKD. Cheeky Vimtoes FTW.
Next day I felt rough. I can remember waking up and running to toilet at Friends house. I am glad I made the toilet, and can't remember going anywhere else. I really hope it all went in toilet. I went back to hospital and had the shakes and a rash for the next 24 hours. Ooops.
Next came resolutions. I really need to make 2012 better than 2011. So my resultions are-
Get Divorce finalised (Should have been sorted out this month)
Get Houses sold
Get finances straight
Get degree finished
Cut working hours down
Make new friends
Meet somebody special
Go travelling over the summer
Experience lots of new things
Many of these come from Ex.Wife. She has had the money to get Decree Absoloute requested. She has pretty much bled me dry financially over the last 18months. I am severly in debt now. She has just left everything saying she cant afford it. So I want to get house sold. This will allow me to clear a lot of the debt.
Degree, speaks for itself, I am in the 3rd & final year of part time degree. This year is difficult and hard going. I cant wait to get this finished and move on with life.
I want to cut hours down at work. This period of illness has taught me I cannot live a life, do uni and work full time with my current health levels. I seem to spend most evenings in bed after work. This is not good for creating a new life for myself.
I feel that over the last 10 years I have lost friends, and the ability to make and keep good new friends. I hope I can learn how to make new friends without being boring. So I want to meet lots of new people and hopefully make some good friends. I have made a few new friends through pistonheads in the last 6 months. Want to make more!
Meet somebody special...... I have a had turmoule time in December with a very special person, which I screwed up(this will be written in a later blog post), some of my main energies currently is to a maintain a friendship with that person. This has shown me that I do want and need a special person in my life. Not a fuck buddy, a life partner. Somebody who I can share everything with! good times and bad.
Travelling and experince new things. Whilst with Sue we could never do things or go places. the only places she wanted to go was to her Moms, or occasionally my 1 friend who she liked his wife. her idea of a weekend away was to go and stay in a local hotel. She would never be up for'Shall we go to Bognor* for the weekend' * could be anywhere just visit somewhere. The only places she would go is somewhere she had been before or somewhere that is fashionable to go. Wouldn't want to go anywhere just to see.
So because of this I feel I have missed out on visiting places, and lots of experiences.
So now I want to visit new places and experience new things. They may be things I have no interest in but until you have tried them you cannot be sure if you like something.
There are some more things to achieve this year which I will hoepfully update as the year progresses. One of which is to keep an updto date record of what I do with my life (this blog)
Currently I am an inpatient at my local hospital. This is an occupational hazard of living with CF. I left things to long before coming to hospital, so I needed the full two week course of IV's to get myself sorted. I am on day 13 of IV's, and whilst I think chest wise I am back where i should be mentally I am not ready to go back to work yet. So I plan to take two weeks off from work once I get discharged. I'm getting lots of headaches at the moment which i think is from being in here. Due to the steriods they have put me on my appetite has ballooned and up to 81kg or 12.8 stone. My target is 11 stone on the button.
This is suposed to be a review of the first four days of 2012.
First day spent with the shakes and sufering.
2nd day Had a nice chat with N she confuses me. Had a chat with S. he needs help with relationships. Highly doubt I am a good person to help with that.
3rd day - had a weird conversation with N. She confuses me. I feel that she is my soul mate, many of her views and opinions seem similar to mine. I really care for her dearly. Never stop thinking about her, but I do accept that she needs to be with another person to see her feelings through.
Docs came round had a quick review and said home either wednesday or Thrusday depending on my blows.
4th day - Today. As i said this is today, so sat at bedside with hospital laptop. All the staff think I'm going home today. My Chest feels good, but some of the stuff coming off my chest is pretty crap coloured.
Currently Speaking to N on IM. I know for the benefit of our relationship I need to back off and give her space to have a relationship with her other half, but she is like a drug and I can't stop talking to her.
I keep looking on the free dating sites, such as POF, OkCupid & Badoo. However I cannot get the motiviation about these sites that I do with N.
I find that N now knows my intimatly, and knows what I think and how I react to stuff. We went through seperation and divorce at similar times and had similar experiences. Because of that when we had a 'thing' it was very intense. Since then I can't bear for her to be out of my life. When she is upset (even though I caused a lot) I want to comfort her. When she is happy I wish I was there to share it with her. I am intregged by her and this drives me on.
However on these Dating sites, I find I look ugly and find it difficult to articulate and explain about the good points of being who I am. I have asked N to help me do a profile, and she is somebody that does / has found me appealing. It would be nice to be able to get to meet new people. But because of the shortcomings on my profile I find myself looking for worse and worse profiles just to get a response, but end up getting less and less responses. So I get occasionally get responses from people who I would never have any attraction for.
This post is mostly just a ramble of text. it feels quite good to get things in writing.
Hopefully later blog posts will be better structered and have a greater direction of content
With 2012 now a fresh start, it may be a time for me to use this as a tool to focus myself and ensure that I get things done and achieve a good 2012.
This blog will cover my thoughts, what is going on with health, wealth and relationship issues.