Monday, March 19, 2012


This post is a bit of a downer.  My mood has been very up and down lately.

Over the past few months i have been finding life very difficult.

Currently I am doing the following.

Working 3.5 days per week
UNI 1 day per week.
Thats 37 hours over 4.5 days

I go bowling once or twice a week.

then I have house work, car clean, washing etc.

Now for a healthy person this is pretty easy life.  I should have bundles of energy and going to the gym and going out socialising.  Unfortunatly this really tires me out.
A close friend of mine has told me of the spoon theory.  My understanding of this is that a person has x amount of spoons available in a set time period.  each activity takes a spoon.  As you only have so many spoons available they can run out quite easily.
I feel that at the moment I deplete my spoons just doing some of the above.  I should also be doing UNI work, and having a social life.
This past weekend I went shopping with a friend who came up from London.  After this I was completely knackered and fell asleep on sofa.   The following day I had a trip to the new Silverstone wing arranged.  I got up early and went to Silverstone, followed by a visit to CostCo.  After this a was so tired.  When I got home I ended up wiped out for the rest of the day.

Something has to change.

I can not complete my final year of Uni.  I cannot do the extra work involved to get assignments and dissertation done.
I have spoken to the UNI and hopefully they will allow me to defer the dissertation till next year.  *fingers crossed*
Once I have finished UNI I will then approach my employer and see if I can reduce my hours.  I don't think its a good idea to do that yet as they won't pay me my salary  whilst me only beling there 3.5 days a week.

In the meantime I just need to get the two remaining modules done.

Fingers crossed.

Added to this.  My chest is not looking good.

Hospital within a month.

Monday, March 05, 2012

The slide going down

Typing this as I should desperately be doing UNI work.

My UNI work is falling behind at the moment as I struggle with energy levels.  After I am home from work this is pretty much flaking me out.  And because I am falling behind, I struggle to face up to what I need to do.  I have huge amounts of work to do in the next 6 weeks, I seriously doubt I can do it.  This is causing me to stress and run away from it, which is making things worse.  I am struggling in the subjects.  Not sure if or how I can get out of this, it is seriously stressing me out.

My closest Friend 'N' is preggers.  Congratulations to them.  N chose her boyfriend over me.  I am glad to keep her as a friend.  But as I cannot conceive it was obviously the right choice, I was never going to be enough for her or anybody.  Who wants somebody who is firing blanks.

However in the off chance that somebody doesn't mind a half man I have stepped up trying to meet somebody on an internet dating site.  Currently I have one mad stalker who sends chav speak messages to me everyday.  She keeps expecting dirty comments or talk from me, but thats not me.  Besides I have reservations that she is connected to or knows my ex-family.  She is from the same area they live.
I have started chatting to a teacher who is after friendship.  Hopefully this can continue.

I am feeling extremely low at the moment in my head and this isn't helping my health. I can feel my chest getting tighter everyday.  Hopefully this can change as I don't really want to be back in hospital again.  Unfortunatly hospital is always going to be when rather than if. This is one advantage of living a solitary life outside of work.  When I was with my ex she always was coming down with one infection or another due to interaction with so many more people.  Hence I was picking things up more regularly.   However living life solo I am getting less bugs which is good but not good mentally.  Catch 22 situation.

Short post as must get UNI work done.