Wednesday, January 04, 2012

slight reveiw of 2012 and a new start

Been quite a dull start to the year.  I have been in hsopital since 22nd December.  Apart from a couple of days out for Christmas and then new Year.

For new year's eve I went to a friends house to watch UFC141.  Was quite a dull fight card apart from the two KO's.  It was a bit fustraiting as they had said to me that he wanted me gone by 10 incase i wasn't well.  Fortunatly another friend invited me over to his.  So I got to M's place and waited to watch UFC.  They were waiting for their son to come from Grandparents. When he got their the granparents sat down for a drink and to have a chat, it was nice but somewhat unexpected and annoying.  Eventually they went we had food and then watched the UFC event.  I then had to race over to the other friends house.    Got to their house and went upstairs so both of us could do our IV's.  We both have Cystic Fibrosis.  We older CF's need to stick together.  His sister was there who also has CF.  She is lovely girl, and was a pleasure to see her and meet her other half.  The rest of my mates wifes family was there.  was nice to spend New year in such a lovely environment.  Thanks guys.
New year came, for some reason I get a text from ex.wife from her and jail-bird wishing happy new year.  Then I had a phonecall just after midnight.  It sucks as I had very few messages wishing happy new year.  I had nobody to call other than my parents.  I had a text from them but didn't speak to parents.

Anyway I had far to much to drink that night, and generally talked utter bollox to anybody who would listen.  I drank a few cans of lager, and then found a bottle of port & some blue WKD.  Cheeky Vimtoes FTW.

Next day I felt rough.  I can remember waking up and running to toilet at Friends house.  I am glad I made the toilet, and can't remember going anywhere else.  I really hope it all went in toilet.  I went back to hospital and had the shakes and a rash for the next 24 hours.  Ooops.
Next came resolutions.  I really need to make 2012 better than 2011.  So my resultions are-

Get Divorce finalised (Should have been sorted out this month)
Get Houses sold
Get finances straight
Get degree finished
Cut working hours down
Make new friends 

Meet somebody special
Go travelling over the summer
Experience lots of new things
Lose weight

Get Tattooed

Many of these come from Ex.Wife.  She has had the money to get Decree Absoloute requested.  She has pretty much bled me dry financially over the last 18months.  I am severly in debt now.  She has just left everything saying she cant afford it.  So I want to get house sold.  This will allow me to clear a lot of the debt.
Degree, speaks for itself, I am in the 3rd & final year of part time degree.  This year is difficult and hard going.  I cant wait to get this finished and move on with life.
I want to cut hours down at work.  This period of illness has taught me I cannot live a life, do uni and work full time with my current health levels.  I seem to spend most evenings in bed after work.  This is not good for creating a new life for myself.
I feel that over the last 10 years I have lost friends, and the ability to make and keep good new friends.  I hope I can learn how to make new friends without being boring.  So I want to meet lots of new people and hopefully make some good friends.  I have made a few new friends through pistonheads in the last 6 months.  Want to make more!
Meet somebody special......  I have a had turmoule time in December with a very special person, which I screwed up(this will be written in a later blog post), some of my main energies currently is to a maintain a friendship with that person.  This has shown me that I do want and need a special person in my life.  Not a fuck buddy, a life partner. Somebody who I can share everything with!  good times and bad.
Travelling and experince new things.  Whilst with Sue we could never do things or go places.  the only places she wanted to go was to her Moms, or occasionally my 1 friend who she liked his wife.   her idea of a weekend away was to go and stay in a local hotel.  She would never be up for'Shall we go to Bognor* for the weekend'  * could be anywhere just visit somewhere.  The only places she would go is somewhere she had been before or somewhere that is fashionable to go.  Wouldn't want to go anywhere just to see.
So because of this I feel I have missed out on visiting places, and lots of experiences.
So now I want to visit new places and experience new things.  They may be things I have no interest in but until you have tried them you cannot be sure if you like something.

There are some more things to achieve this year which I will hoepfully update as the year progresses.  One of which is to keep an updto date record of what I do with my life (this blog)

Currently I am an inpatient at my local hospital.  This is an occupational hazard of living with CF.  I left things to long before coming to hospital, so I needed the full two week course of IV's to get myself sorted.  I am on day 13 of IV's, and whilst I think chest wise I am back where i should be mentally I am not ready to go back to work yet.  So I plan to take two weeks off from work once I get discharged.  I'm getting lots of headaches at the moment which i think is from being in here.  Due to the steriods they have put me on my appetite has ballooned and up to 81kg  or 12.8 stone.  My target is 11 stone on the button.

This is suposed to be a review of the first four days of 2012.
First day spent with the shakes and sufering.
2nd day Had a nice chat with N  she confuses me.  Had a chat with S.  he needs help with relationships.  Highly doubt I am a good person to help with that.
3rd day - had a weird conversation with N. She confuses me.  I feel that she is my soul mate,  many of her views and opinions seem similar to mine.  I really care for her dearly.  Never stop thinking about her, but I do accept that she needs to be with another person to see her feelings through.
Docs came round had a quick review and said home either wednesday or Thrusday depending on my blows.
4th day  - Today.  As i said this is today, so sat at bedside with hospital laptop.  All the staff think I'm going home today.  My Chest feels good, but some of the stuff coming off my chest is pretty crap coloured.
Currently Speaking to N on IM.  I know for the benefit of our relationship I need to back off and give her space to have a relationship with her other half, but she is like a drug and I can't stop talking to her.
I keep looking on the free dating sites, such as POF, OkCupid & Badoo.  However I cannot get the motiviation about these sites that I do with N.
I find that N now knows my intimatly, and knows what I think and how I react to stuff.  We went through seperation and divorce at similar times and had similar experiences.  Because of that when we had a 'thing' it was very intense.  Since then I can't bear for her to be out of my life.  When she is upset (even though I caused a lot) I want to comfort her.  When she is happy I wish I was there to share it with her.  I am intregged by her and this drives me on.
However on these Dating sites, I find I look ugly and find it difficult to articulate and explain about the good points of being who I am.  I have asked N to help me do a profile, and she is somebody that does / has found me appealing.  It would be nice to be able to get to meet new people.  But because of the shortcomings on my profile I find myself looking for worse and worse profiles just to get a response, but end up getting  less and less responses.  So I get occasionally get responses from people who I would never have any attraction for.

This post is mostly just a ramble of text.  it feels quite good to get things in writing.

Hopefully later blog posts will be better structered and have a greater direction of content

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