Thursday, January 19, 2012
I was kinda worried that I would do this, A bit like a dairy where you fill in all the peoples birthdays and start writing for the first couple of days and then leave it.
It has been a quiet week as still off work. I went to the hospital and my Blows (lung capacity) is the best it has been for years. I had to admit defeat to the CF doctor & CF Nurse that it was right for me to stay in hospital the full two weeks. It was difficult to admit that to them.
I had my granddads funeral yesterday. It was lovely. The person leading the service was somebody I knew when I was child. When I was growing up I used to stay with my Granddad and Grandma during the summer. One of their neighbours had two kids a boy Damien who was two years older, and a girl Charlotte who was two years younger. We used to do all sorts of things during the summer when I was there. Their mother lead the Funeral which was lovely as they had travelled from Exeter to Stafford specifically for this. Charlotte had come up as well as a younger brother who i mistook for Damien. It was lovely to see her and her Mom again. My last memory of her was running across a pebble beach, I was complaining it hurt my feet, she legged it across like no tomorrow. :) She is now a stunning looking woman.
The readings really described my Granddad to a tee. Even at 87 he still was a child. He had a playful mentality. I think I have inherited this from him. He was always a salesman and put everybody he came into contact with at ease and always had fun. The service was lovely. The hymns were all sang which was pleasant and so unusual to man church services I have been to for Weddings / christenings and funerals. I'm also thankful he passed away with no pain.
I have been busy buying lots of Blu-Rays for new TV over the past week. Including a couple of films I had on DVD.
Unfortunately a fairly quiet blog post as not much happens whilst sat at home.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
So just before I left I received a text from ExWife telling me to call her. So give her a call. 'Can you take me to hospital?' No is my reply as I was going out. 'Ok Bye' was the reply.
I don't want to take her to the hospital as a, she will then 100% of seen my car (she probably already has, but still don't really want her to see it), b, we finally split almost 18 months. It has been almost 2 years since everything went pear shaped. c, I would get zero thanks or appreciation for taking her.
1 min later she calls me back (big surprise as she doesn't call me, always expects me to call her back), 'If you can't take me to the hospital then drop £20 over to get a taxi. Now I know she chooses not to work, and that she still smokes. If she is that short of £20 then she shouldn't smoke as this costs £6+ per day. (it is £6+ as I had to always buy Fags for her as she would always end up spending £10-20 in the shop when getting Fags).I certainly cannot afford that. She said I could get the money back on thrusday, but that would involve seeing her twice in one week, plus the last time she borrowed money off me, I lent her £100, which she promised faithfully to get back the following week. Two weeks later she hadn't repaid me and then wanted to borrow another £150. Every month or so I asked for the money with no reply. That was until she wanted to get the divorce petition in. my reply was that I needed her money back. This went backwards and forwards, with her threatening me, until I broke down at the doctors, and then she asked if I wouldn't put the divorce in until I got the money back. From that moment she then lied and said that I had given her the money. and keeps that lie today.
I pointed out that I hadn't received the previous money back, which she said I gave her the previous cash. This then ended up as a slanging match with her saying that i ruined her life, and me saying that I was stuck with all the debts from our marriage. she then started bringing up all the issues of when she thought that I was seeing somebody else at the end of the marriage. The person she refers to I have never called / met / spoke to. Only had text communication via facebook chat or text message. ( I have recently got back in touch with the woman through facebook). She started trying to detail everything that I did back in May 2009! Even though she has met somebody else and is planning to get married this year she says she is still going over everything everyday!! Then she came out with that I needed to pay for everything I have done to her, and I have got off with everything. She kinda misses the £60k debts above the value of the assets that she isn't paying. Without the house been sold this will take me 20 years to pay off at current pay rates. This doesn't help with me needing to cut hours at work.
I pointed out to her on the call that She only cares for herself, which she agreed, and the only reason she ever contacted me was when she wanted anything. And that in her mind the only person who is ill is herself, despite her rarely being in hospital, she never keeps to any treatment, and for me If I don't keep to treatment I end up in hospital, I am registered disabled, yet in her mind nothing is wrong.
After this I was pretty wound up, text N, called my mom, and then called her Aunt to hopefully get her to talk some sense into her. Explained that I couldn't physically or financially help her out. Well actually I could but don't see why I should. I wanted to say - We have separated. We are almost divorced. (I have paid her for the final decree absolute, but pretty sure she hasn't put it in) She can't keep relying on me.
So after bowling I was pretty concerned and expected to be woken up by the windows coming through last night. Had a nice chat with N which help to settle my mind.
Bowling was dreadful, my body is very stiff and bowling was pants. The league starts Thursday. Due to steroids I am on, my fingers have swelled up and no longer fit my balls :(
Today, I have done nothing, I should have done some UNI work. Nothing done.
Signing off now as I'm going to play on console for a while. Back to hospital tomorrow morning....
Just posting this from work. Had a nice night out last night with a couple of friends. We went bowling at star city. One problem I found is that as I have been bowling regularly on dressed bowling lanes is that you get used to oiled lanes. This means you can put spin on the ball and it should hit the pins. Last night the lanes were dry and couldn't get a decent line at all. Ho hum.
Back at work....
Cause I have been so tired recently doing small things cause me to be wiped out. I struggled to sleep last night so today my chest is very tight and I'm falling asleep. This is at 1pm. I have another 5 hours to go. :(
Monday, January 09, 2012
A nice quiet Monday sat at home. After a quiet Sunday, thought I best get dressed today. Went to Docs and now I'm signed off work for two weeks. :Yipee:
Heard from EW this morning as she text me to call her. This woke me up :( Called her, she wants me to take her to the womens hospital. I feel inclined to take her, however I know I shouldn't as I should not allow her to try to control me. I didn't reply for some hours and again she asked me to take her to the hospital. Don't know why she doesn't get a taxi or get her family to take her.
Hopefully I will be going bowling this evening. I think it will do me good to get out of the house, although this will tire me out.
Currently I have spent the day watching the new Hustle DVD and then the Strikeforce MMA show from over the weekend. Its a poor comparison of UFC. It has been quite nice spending the day not thinking today. I know I really need to get started on UNI work.
The other thing I have done is put another ROM onto my Desire phone. It is without all the HTC sense and seems pretty good so far.
Sunday, January 08, 2012
Slept for ever last night. After this period of hospital my body is completly drained. I cannot build up the energy to get dressed let alone do anything. It will be a long hard road to get well for work again. I'm having to reflect a lot on my current health status. I need to change things in my life once I can go back to work.
Have had another day thinking about N. She has been online today. I am supposed to be important to her, yet nothing. She couldn't care less how I am. She knows I am upset, I doubt she knows that I am feeling as low as I am. Yet nothing. All her facebook status ' are how fantastic her new boyf is. Not a 2nd thought of me. I text her Friday night asking if she was ok. 'Not really as her boyf spent the day with her' Thats not right is it? She should be overjoyed that her Boyf Has taken the day off. She has practically moved into his now, so I am concerned that if things don't work out with him She will again be trapped somewhere she doesn't want to be.
I shouldn't be concerned about this as she has shown me that she couldn't give a shit about me. If she needs help or needs somebody to be there then Fuck her. I just wish that I hadn't given so much energy towards her.
I guess things don't help at the moment feeling so low. I feel at the moment that there is no point to life.
ExW phoned the other day, told her about my Grandfather. She did seem concerned. Then told me I needed to stop feeling so down about this girl. She thinks everything in life is about Sex. I do feel low but that is because life sucks and I have got myself into a corner. I don't know how I can recover out of this.
Saturday, January 07, 2012
I was very low last night. Guess not being well, the lonelyness and the bad news yesterday don't help things.
I feel guilty about my Grandfather passing away. I haven't been in touch at all over the last couple of years. I had meant to phone them this period, but with hospital admission I didn't make time.
Death is a strange subject. I guess with losing friends through CF I have come to expect it. But never sure how I should react to it.
I sent a text to N last night, asking if she was ok. She said not as her DO had taken the day off work. Seems strange, 1 month into a relationship and they are not having a nice day off together. I hope they are ok, and sort themselves out for the best. I was hoping to speak to her last night as I needed a close friend. but nothing. I have had two texts today from her so she didn't bother reading any message from me till 16 hours after I sent it.
I guess it shows that whilst I hold her in the highest regard and would do anything for her, the feelings are not reflected in the slightest. Shows that I'm a muppet for thinking that I am important to her.
I'm still very tired from hospital so having a lazy day today. I'm sat in front of Star Trek box set in dressing gown. All my washing is almost done. Looking forward to a nice meal out tonight with some good friends.
Friday, January 06, 2012
Been feeling crappy all day, after writing previous post I had a lie down, watched a film and then managed to screw phone up by playing with teh Clock voltages. So now have wiped that, and reinstalling everything.
My father recently called. My Grandfather passed away today. :( Feel very guilty as I planned to speak to them over the Christmas holiday but never got round to it.
My usual solace would be to speak to N. But she doesn't want to know me today. :(
not sure what else to put. My grandfather lived near to where she is now. This may get awkward.
I had been chatting to N again the night before. She said that I can no longer speak to her at night time, as this is upsetting C. He is a cock. She is practically living with him. He is giving her hassle for me being in her life. Ah well.
As I previously said I have been in hospital for 2 weeks. The doc's said I could go home depending on my blows (Lung function test). I did them, and they were drastically improved but still someway off my usual. Didn't see the docs after that until Thursday late morning. The docs came round and said either stay in for another week or go home. As I felt 1000 times better than the previous week I think it is time to go home. So good stuff I can go home, on steriods and oral antibitotics. So I asked the ward staff for Sick note and TTA's. Usual ward clark did her usual shitty job of not wanting to do anything, I had to ask her 4 times for sick note. She was more interested in gassing with her mates as usual.
My old psycologist came to visit whilst I was waiting for stuff's. Had a nice chat with her, explained about relationship with N, and latest developments with EW.
Eventually left the hospital, it was extremely nice to leave hospital and not be on IV's. Did shopping and then back home.
Back home cats had done a Pooh on the carpet, plus obviously have taken to weeing by the front door. Grrrr. Was going to go and get a takeway, when I went to collect parcels. But was to tired, and not particularly hungry. Sat down watched some stuff on new TV, played on XBOX and then went to bed about 9:30. I put my new Star Trek Voyager DVD on TV, started to drift off but then woke up. Couldn't sleep after that. I remember hearing one of the cats scratching a door about 4am, went down she had wee'd on the carpet, so gave her a slap and booted her out.
Must have been about 5am before I slept :( woke up about 9:30, phone didn't work and a massive headache.
Grabbed new parcels, set up small hub next to TV. Now bored. Still got a headache and I'm tired, but fancy doing something. The house is a bomb site. Need to clean up, remove boxes and clean up cat wee.
Haven't heard from N last night or today. I do worry about her. I shouldn't as she has made it clear she doesn't want to be with me, however she never leaves my thoughts. At the moment, it feels like I am always contacting her and the contact is not reciprocated. So I will try hard not to speak to her. This will be hard, as if I haven't heard from her before 5pm I will not hear from her till next week (probably if I contact her).
I really need to make sure I meet somebody new in 2012. Need to get my thoughts towards somebody who will appreciate them.
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
My ex-wife started texting me today. This is how the conversation went
Ew - Hi I am on ward one :(
Flibble - Oh dear. hope your ok. And don't need to stay long.
Ew - No i am not ok, you know what I am like lol
Flibble - Hope you feel better soon
Ew - Hopefully got a bad rash from mophine x
Now from this you can see I was not particularly talkative. i find that conversations with EW have a tendancy to either drop me into doodah, or she wants something, So I don't tend to trust.
Then this eveing
Ew - How you feeling?
Flibble - Ok thank you. You feeling better?
Ew - No maybe going for operation tomorrow come and visit me x
Flibble - Would have thought your family would be there. you don't want to see me.
Ew - Don't have family anymore
At this point I am getting concerned. I don't wish her ill will but want as little communication as possible.
So 15 mins later
EW - Are you coming
Flibble - Where are you
EW - ward one.
So I meander on down to ward one. I am concerned she may want money so leave wallet in my room.
When I get there she is lying in a side room looking very sorry for herself. She is talking very quietly and obviously in some pain.
I make small talk, ask how things are. She says her family don't want to know and she is always argueing with them. But her mom has been there twice today.... She asks me if I can fix her phone. (Screen smashed apparently) More small talk, all about her and how bad it is for her. She knows I have been in hospital since before Christmas, she asks one question and then starts talking about her new fella and them going for IVF. I am careful not to say anything against him, her or family. She then says that she hasn't got a change of clothes as her aunt was going to get her keys and get stuff for her. But hasn't turned up. Then she drops the big one....
Can you get some stuff for me from home?
Now I know this is a fairly simple question. But is it a good idea to go to somebody elses flat with their keys to go through her stuff and get bits for her? If anything goes wrong in her life, I get the blame.
Background - a week before christmas I am extremely ill. She gets a letter to house, So I call her to tell her. She collects it, 20 mins later 1 rings me, it is a V5 document for her car from DVLA. I have no idea what this about, its nothing to do with me. yet I get a bollocking.
So I don't want a bollocking for doing something I haven't done, so I tell her its not a good idea for me to go to flat. She said 'its only this one little thing I'm asking' Its not she keeps asking one little thing. I need to say No to her. Plus although I am ready to go home, I am not well enough to be doing errands for folk. She tells me to Fuck off, So I wish her well in op tomorrow, get another Fuck off and i depart.
5 mins later I get a text - 'I wanted you to do one thing for me when I really needed you' I ignore
5 mins further on I get a call. 'I wanted you to do one thing for me when I really needed you' I explain that I am in hospital also, and not really well enough to do errands for people. So she is in a mood with me.
If I had of done this for her, she would keep asking me whilst I'm in hospital, plus if anything was misplaced or moved for the next 6 months I would get the hassle from it. Plus my blood sugars have been sky high today so have been shaking all evening.
For new year's eve I went to a friends house to watch UFC141. Was quite a dull fight card apart from the two KO's. It was a bit fustraiting as they had said to me that he wanted me gone by 10 incase i wasn't well. Fortunatly another friend invited me over to his. So I got to M's place and waited to watch UFC. They were waiting for their son to come from Grandparents. When he got their the granparents sat down for a drink and to have a chat, it was nice but somewhat unexpected and annoying. Eventually they went we had food and then watched the UFC event. I then had to race over to the other friends house. Got to their house and went upstairs so both of us could do our IV's. We both have Cystic Fibrosis. We older CF's need to stick together. His sister was there who also has CF. She is lovely girl, and was a pleasure to see her and meet her other half. The rest of my mates wifes family was there. was nice to spend New year in such a lovely environment. Thanks guys.
New year came, for some reason I get a text from ex.wife from her and jail-bird wishing happy new year. Then I had a phonecall just after midnight. It sucks as I had very few messages wishing happy new year. I had nobody to call other than my parents. I had a text from them but didn't speak to parents.
Anyway I had far to much to drink that night, and generally talked utter bollox to anybody who would listen. I drank a few cans of lager, and then found a bottle of port & some blue WKD. Cheeky Vimtoes FTW.
Next day I felt rough. I can remember waking up and running to toilet at Friends house. I am glad I made the toilet, and can't remember going anywhere else. I really hope it all went in toilet. I went back to hospital and had the shakes and a rash for the next 24 hours. Ooops.
Next came resolutions. I really need to make 2012 better than 2011. So my resultions are-
Get Divorce finalised (Should have been sorted out this month)
Get Houses sold
Get finances straight
Get degree finished
Cut working hours down
Make new friends
Meet somebody special
Go travelling over the summer
Experience lots of new things
Many of these come from Ex.Wife. She has had the money to get Decree Absoloute requested. She has pretty much bled me dry financially over the last 18months. I am severly in debt now. She has just left everything saying she cant afford it. So I want to get house sold. This will allow me to clear a lot of the debt.
Degree, speaks for itself, I am in the 3rd & final year of part time degree. This year is difficult and hard going. I cant wait to get this finished and move on with life.
I want to cut hours down at work. This period of illness has taught me I cannot live a life, do uni and work full time with my current health levels. I seem to spend most evenings in bed after work. This is not good for creating a new life for myself.
I feel that over the last 10 years I have lost friends, and the ability to make and keep good new friends. I hope I can learn how to make new friends without being boring. So I want to meet lots of new people and hopefully make some good friends. I have made a few new friends through pistonheads in the last 6 months. Want to make more!
Meet somebody special...... I have a had turmoule time in December with a very special person, which I screwed up(this will be written in a later blog post), some of my main energies currently is to a maintain a friendship with that person. This has shown me that I do want and need a special person in my life. Not a fuck buddy, a life partner. Somebody who I can share everything with! good times and bad.
Travelling and experince new things. Whilst with Sue we could never do things or go places. the only places she wanted to go was to her Moms, or occasionally my 1 friend who she liked his wife. her idea of a weekend away was to go and stay in a local hotel. She would never be up for'Shall we go to Bognor* for the weekend' * could be anywhere just visit somewhere. The only places she would go is somewhere she had been before or somewhere that is fashionable to go. Wouldn't want to go anywhere just to see.
So because of this I feel I have missed out on visiting places, and lots of experiences.
So now I want to visit new places and experience new things. They may be things I have no interest in but until you have tried them you cannot be sure if you like something.
There are some more things to achieve this year which I will hoepfully update as the year progresses. One of which is to keep an updto date record of what I do with my life (this blog)
Currently I am an inpatient at my local hospital. This is an occupational hazard of living with CF. I left things to long before coming to hospital, so I needed the full two week course of IV's to get myself sorted. I am on day 13 of IV's, and whilst I think chest wise I am back where i should be mentally I am not ready to go back to work yet. So I plan to take two weeks off from work once I get discharged. I'm getting lots of headaches at the moment which i think is from being in here. Due to the steriods they have put me on my appetite has ballooned and up to 81kg or 12.8 stone. My target is 11 stone on the button.
This is suposed to be a review of the first four days of 2012.
First day spent with the shakes and sufering.
2nd day Had a nice chat with N she confuses me. Had a chat with S. he needs help with relationships. Highly doubt I am a good person to help with that.
3rd day - had a weird conversation with N. She confuses me. I feel that she is my soul mate, many of her views and opinions seem similar to mine. I really care for her dearly. Never stop thinking about her, but I do accept that she needs to be with another person to see her feelings through.
Docs came round had a quick review and said home either wednesday or Thrusday depending on my blows.
4th day - Today. As i said this is today, so sat at bedside with hospital laptop. All the staff think I'm going home today. My Chest feels good, but some of the stuff coming off my chest is pretty crap coloured.
Currently Speaking to N on IM. I know for the benefit of our relationship I need to back off and give her space to have a relationship with her other half, but she is like a drug and I can't stop talking to her.
I keep looking on the free dating sites, such as POF, OkCupid & Badoo. However I cannot get the motiviation about these sites that I do with N.
I find that N now knows my intimatly, and knows what I think and how I react to stuff. We went through seperation and divorce at similar times and had similar experiences. Because of that when we had a 'thing' it was very intense. Since then I can't bear for her to be out of my life. When she is upset (even though I caused a lot) I want to comfort her. When she is happy I wish I was there to share it with her. I am intregged by her and this drives me on.
However on these Dating sites, I find I look ugly and find it difficult to articulate and explain about the good points of being who I am. I have asked N to help me do a profile, and she is somebody that does / has found me appealing. It would be nice to be able to get to meet new people. But because of the shortcomings on my profile I find myself looking for worse and worse profiles just to get a response, but end up getting less and less responses. So I get occasionally get responses from people who I would never have any attraction for.
This post is mostly just a ramble of text. it feels quite good to get things in writing.
Hopefully later blog posts will be better structered and have a greater direction of content
With 2012 now a fresh start, it may be a time for me to use this as a tool to focus myself and ensure that I get things done and achieve a good 2012.
This blog will cover my thoughts, what is going on with health, wealth and relationship issues.